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Another Monday, another adventure with our plucky Bachelorette Becca. As a reminder, The Bachelorette is definitely sports as it’s filled with drama, competition, and Forever Love. Ok, maybe that last one is a stretch, but still.

In case you missed any action, catch up on last week’s episode here.

This week, Becca and her remaining six men travel to the Bahamas, a place she tells us she has wanted to visit for her entire life. Next week’s episode features hometown visits, so in the grand scheme of this season, this episode is big ... and also is used to help Chris Harrison fill out the roster for this summer’s Bachelor in Paradise.

We find out early that there will be no Rose Ceremony this week, but rather three one-on-ones and one group date.

ONE-ON-ONE WITH COLTON:

The pre-episode intro spent a lot of time leading up to a big secret of Colton’s, but immediately after he left the suite with Becca on his arm, we hear from Garrett and Leo that he is...

[whispers]

A VIRGIN.

[pause for gasps]

The other guys are so concerned about Becca “being turned off” by his virginity, but it isn’t even close to being in my top-20 biggest turn-offs. I certainly don’t deem it a “skeleton in his closet.”

He hasn’t had sex ... it’s not like he’s a sea creature.

Here are some things you could find out about your date that are worse than them being a virgin:

  • They have taken a public bathroom mirror selfie
  • They spell your/you’re incorrectly
  • They root for the Yankees
  • They’ve murdered someone

Honestly, I’m way more perturbed by Colton pronouncing virgin like “version” than anything else.

Naturally, ABC has selected the most innuendo laden date for our fresh-faced virgin and his vixen, making the duo dive for conch (which when pronounced by the local Bahamian sounds somewhat like cock, lol get it?) and pull out the pistol, which is a natural aphrodisiac.

Y’all, this looks nasty:

ABC

They each ate one of these pistols, and Colton’s ensuing expression made it seem like he’s questioning every life choice that led to him standing on a boat in the Bahamas eating a conch’s pistol:

ABC

Heading into the dinner portion of the one-on-one with Colton, Becca feels confident in their relationship, saying, “At this point, Colton is getting that rose. He’d have to drop a crazy bomb on me to not get that rose.”

Oh, ABC, you are just so sneaky, sneaky.

Colton tells Becca that his virginity is a result of focusing on “Football Colton” and letting his personal life fall to the wayside. Based on her expressions alone, Becca is shook and after a couple of placating comments like “oh word, yeah, that makes sense”, she excuses herself from the table.

Turns out, it was less dramatic than we’d like to think:

No one should virgin-shame Colton, just like no one should slut-shame someone else for their decisions. Sex is an important part of a relationship, but good on Colton for living and owning his truth. Becca and Colton clearly have physical chemistry, and he says he’s not waiting for marriage but the “right heart.” She gives him the rose, meaning we’ll be heading to Colorado to meet Colton’s family next week.

Thanks for the fountains that look like explosions as Colton and Becca make out after the virgin conversation, ABC. Subtle.

ABC

The dudes were pretty shocked that Colton returned, you know, since they apparently thought being a virgin was equivalent to being Voldemort reincarnated.

ONE-ON-ONE WITH GARRETT:

YOU GUYS THEY’RE TAKING A SEAPLANE. I have always wanted to go on a seaplane ride and somehow failed to take advantage of it while living in the Pacific Northwest for three years.

Becca and Garrett take said seaplane (complete with champagne, of course) on a sightseeing tour around the Bahamas. The pair is clearly infatuated with each other, constantly touching and kissing. They land on a private beach, where they touch and kiss some more.

Like a lot. Nonstop. Just a ton of this:

ABC

The Red Lobster Crab Fest commercial during the break was more interesting than the day portion of Becca and Garrett’s one-on-one, so we go back to the house to check in with the guys. Blake is losing his ever-loving shit, wondering why his name hasn’t been on one of the first two date cards. Moments like this — and when they refer to their mutual amour as their respective “girlfriend” — remind us how weird this damn show is. Five guys sit around lamenting the status of their relationship with the same woman, while that woman is on a date with a sixth man.

Blake receives the last one-on-one, meaning Wills, Jason, and Leo will all seemingly vie for the final rose of the week on the three-on-one.

Becca and Garrett chatted about his past relationship, but their chemistry is off the charts and she gives him the least surprising rose of the week. After she gives him the rose, they disrobe in a shockingly little amount of time and run into the ocean to make out.

He’s the favorite, so this one was a snooze-fest filled with boring conversations and lots of kissing.

ONE-ON-ONE WITH BLAKE:

Oh, look, Blake carved Becca a little something...

ABC

Has he been carrying this around since Utah? Did he ask a Bachelorette intern for a piece of a tree? Did he cut it himself? Was this from the lumberjack date? This isn’t brought back up at all, so I have to live with the lack of answers about Blake’s blowtorched gift of bark.

BUT WHO CARES, BAHA MEN ARE HERE AND NOTHING ELSE MATTERS.

ABC

I’ve made it very clear how I feel about small, private concerts on this show. I take it all back when the band is Baha Men. Give me Baha Men every week.

I could do with less of Blake dancing, however.

ABC

I challenge you to find me better lyrics than, “shake like you shake, you look like a cake.”

You can’t. Plus, there’s a very good dog in the crowd, so this is automatically my favorite date of the season.

ABC

You can keep Blake, I’ll drink beers on the beach with that pup and listen to Baha Men for the rest of the day.

For some reason, Becca and Blake decide to leave the Baha Men concert to go make out on a sand dune and talk. Becca decides to tell Blake — our remaining bro with the most fragile ego — that she sympathizes a bit with Arie for having feelings for lots of people at the end of his journey since she’s got the hots for a couple people on her season.

Over dinner, Blake talks about how his parents split when he was younger, which has made it harder for him to open up. Then he tells a woman he met like six weeks before that he’s in love with her. So, there’s that.

Becca alternates making out with Blake with saying things like “my heart is going to burst” before prying herself away from his face long enough to give him a rose.

That means on the final group date...THREE MEN ENTER, TWO MEN GO HOME.

THREE-ON-ONE WITH WILLS, LEO, AND JASON:

First of all, mad respect to Leo for rocking the ‘me after the shower’ hairdo:

ABC

The trio of men takes a speed boat out to a small beach, and they’ve decided to wear this combination of outfits to compete for their future Forever Love:

ABC

Based on this picture, I have to assume that regular, crew neck tee shirts are illegal in the Bahamas. Once ashore on another private beach, our quartet kicks off the date with a two-on-two beach volleyball game.

I don’t think Becca’s going to end up with any of these three (hence why they didn’t get one-on-one dates), but my goodness I hope she stays friends with them because honestly this looks fun as hell.

ABC

Wills and Jason both spend their time with Becca talking about their relationships and where they stood. I can’t tell you what Leo and Becca talked about, because all I could hear were the waves crashing on the shore. Seriously, ABC. Was the sound guy IN the ocean? What was going on there?

Leo “speaks his truth” and lets Becca know that where he’s at right now is most likely a place where he would need more time to date her at the end of this process (you know, where a normal person would be after six weeks).

Predictably, she dumps him.

Farewell, my sweet, long-haired prince. You were so kind and I heart you so much.

After breaking up with one of her boyfriends, her other two boyfriends console her as they head back to the mainland and leave Leo to fend for himself on this tropical island:

ABC

At the dinner portion of the date, Becca spends time with both Jason and Wills, ultimately deciding to keep Jason. She looks visibly shaken with her decision, and it’s understandable because Wills is amazing. I don’t think this is the last we’ll see of the charismatic and brightly dressed Wills...oh hey look, ABC already ensured it isn’t!

“The hardest thing was her saying, ‘I know you’ll find your person,’” Wills said in footage spliced with Becca and Jason making out. “Cause that means she’s not my person.”

Oh, Wills.

Next week, we’ll meet the families of Colton, Garrett, Blake, and Jason during the hometown visits as our girl Becca narrows the suitor pool to three.

GONE TOO SOON:

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