On Thursday morning, a curious news alert appeared from CNN: “Michael Jackson’s Spokesperson Makes Mystery Announcement: Live Updates.What? I said aloud, to no one in particular. What “mystery announcement” could Michael Jackson’s spokesperson have to make? And what “mystery announcement” warrants live updates from CNN? The media alert announced that Raymone K. Bain, Jackson’s former spokesperson, general manager, and president and COO of the Michael Jackson Company, would take the mic at the Willard InterContinental in Washington, D.C. “2019 marks the 10th Anniversary of Michael Jackson’s death,” the media alert distributed for the presser read. “And, what would be his 61st birthday on August 29, 2019. It is time to speak up, and speak out, on behalf of Michael Jackson, in conjunction with a mandate made by him on October 6, 2006.”

What followed was a circus that I am almost certain was a melatonin-induced funhouse of horrors, all to announce the new MJ Legacy Foundation, to “preserve, protect, and defend his name.” Let’s start from the beginning, when introductory remarks quickly went awry in addressing Leaving Neverland, the HBO documentary in which two men alleged Jackson sexually abused them as children.

To be clear: I had plans for Thursday morning. I have Succession screeners to watch. I have a ham-and-cheese croissant and orange juice (Butler Bake Shop and Espresso Bar, please sponsor me!) to finish. I have to stream Charlie Puth’s new single at least a dozen more times before lunch. (Not for any streaming numbers, just because it’s what my soul requires.) Instead, I spent, like, 25 minutes of my Thursday morning — time I will never get back — listening to Michael Jackson’s former spokesperson talk at length about how Jackson “has been a victim since his death.” Reader: It was, in a word, nuts!

Bain briefly discussed Jackson’s missing will, and at one point asked for Donald Trump to help her find it. “I have wished, I have hoped, and I have prayed that Michael Jackson’s will — dated October 6, 2006 — would be found, revealed, discovered, dropped from the sky. Because in it, he painstakingly outlined how he wanted his legacy to be preserved and maintained.” Later on, Bain said that Jackson and Trump were friends during the pop star’s life, and that he valued the president’s loyalty. “I would love to be able to ask the president to help me find Michael Jackson’s 2006 will,” she said.

Here are other things that transpired during this press conference, which I definitely watched and did not dream: Bain thanked a Who’s Who of talent for their support of Michael Jackson over the years: Kanye West, Fergie, Akon, will.i.am, Serena Williams, and — just to ensure that Blue Ivy is currently on the phone with the Carter family attorneys — Beyoncé.

Anyway: Wake me up from this nightmare!

Did I Dream this Bizarre Michael Jackson Press Conference?